Let's Talk About Stress Baby

Stress. How do you spell relief? I think we need to identify what kind of stress we have. Is it stress over the future, or something from the past catching up with you? Is it stress from work; a job that makes you feel under valued and over exploited? Is it family stress? Or perhaps it's money stress; cost of food, gas, utilities etc? Is it just the usual stress that results from trying to keep our tenuous grip on our sanity? Um.... All of the above.

I hate stress. It is a short path from my stress to my panic. It's just the way I've been wired over the last 15 years. I think it has something to do with being a father. I'm still doing the research on that theory. I always remind myself that stress is what keeps us alive. It kept us away from the Saber Tooth Tiger in our species' youth; it keeps us worried about our next meal and it keeps us watchful over our children. Stress is Life. But having a stressful life is not living. It is suicide. We can do two things about bad stress; remove the causes or self medicate. Or both. I chose both. Cheers!

Old : Changing Careers : Hire Me!

As I'm heading into my second year of schooling I face the prospect of searching for new employment. I do because even with a bachelor's degree I won't get any further up the food-chain with my current employer. It's not their fault. They're just too small. All the positions they need to fill are filled, with no expansion in the foreseeable future. Actually, with all the headaches and heartaches I have had over the last 7 years, it still was worth it. They are great people and they run the company to the best of their ability and treat people fairly within the means they are able.

I will have an IT/Communication degree with little to no experience in IT other then by association. Little projects here and there have exposed me to web design and management. I even proposed, built and launched an ecommerce site nearly single handedly, but corporate vision changed and the site was axed. I will have the education and experience, but neither in the same field. It's not that I hadn't realized this before; I just need to figure out how to package myself now.

So, if you are looking for a 40-something, experienced purchasing & distribution expert with an IT/Visual Communications degree (in 12 months) I'm your man. I'm also a veteran if that helps. Oh, and I'd rather not work for minimum wage either. However, I will work for near that in a 'probationary mode' while I prove myself in a web design/developer arena. Then I will require fair compensation. Unless of course you want to hire me as a buyer/distribution/shipping/receiving expert, then you'll have to pay me well right out of the gate. I've already proven myself in that area thank you.

I Am A Senior

Today is the first day of the first class of my senior year in college. And how do I feel about that? Good. Proud. Tired. Poor.

And also, I am Restless.

My job is becoming more and more droning. I am learning all this ‘good stuff’ that I know, and feel down to my bones my current employer won’t require of me; it makes me edgy, grumpy, and assorted other dwarf names. I am feeling a bit wasted. (And not in the good way)

So starting today I am learning “Web Design and Development”. The fun begins! I also (thanks to the president’s stimulus rebate) invested in online training in such software packages as; Photoshop, Illustrator, Dreamweaver CS3, the entire Adobe line pretty much. My goal in the next 12 months is to cram as much web development & design knowledge into my brain as possible in the chance that something sticks.

What I’d really like to do during this time is work for someone as an apprentice-like person. Of course I and my wife would like me not to take a hit in the pay check either. I also see myself as a freelancer on some side projects soon, to build a portfolio.

I also want to get a little more graphic art knowledge embedded in my skills bucket. I know what looks good, but what I think looks good is only one guy’s opinion. I want to understand the ‘industry’ standards for visual communications. Perhaps I'll read some books on the topic.

I also want to build book shelves; many bookshelves.

Me also wants to start drinking rum again. Arrrrgh!

Pre-Preamble

I'm working on my new personal manifesto and I think I've come up with a
pretty snazzy introduction. What do you think?

Preamble:

ME a man of mild mannered means, in order to form a more perfect person, establish vocation, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common sanity, promote the general welfare of my household, and secure bliss for myself and my posterity, do ordain and establish this Manifesto for myself.

5 year plan (2 years later)

Ok, let's re-look at this:

• Family: Relationships & Home Environment
  
  • Maintain a healthy and happy family and marriage (ok, still working on both the happy & healthy)
    
  • Maintaining an equal life/work balance (what is this anyway?)
    
  • Preparing to send two sons to college
    (ok, just hoping to get them through high school, after that … there's the door boys)
    
• Career: Professional Growth - Career & Work
  
  • Manage a profitable business (I don't know if I am qualified)
    
  • Live up to my career potential (not yet, not sure what that is either)
    
  • Participating in a successful online business (nope)
    
• Education: Personal Growth
  
  • Earn a bachelor's degree in business / marketing / e-commerce (actually, half way through a IT/Multimedia Communications degree, one more year!)
    
• Financial: Finances & Wealth
  
  • Have a financial contribution in the household $60,000 Annually (still just over half this, sigh … buying lotto ticket)
    
  • Contributing more to retirement (apparently the economy has shrunk my 401k by at least $600, frak!)
    
  • Contribute to my children's education (I'm thinking G.I. Bill … we'll be out of Iraq by then, right?)
    
• Physical: Body & Health
  
  • Be healthier, proper weight, fit, happy (let's just skip this one)
    
• Attitude: Spiritual Growth
  
  • Become more confident
    
  • Have more self-esteem
    
  • Find balance in the universe
    
• Pleasure: Leisure & Recreation
  
  • Travel, take vacations, enjoy my home and family (see Financial & Career sections above)
    
• Public Service:
  
  • Make available time for volunteering
    (eh, probably ain't going to happen right away)
    
  • Having more money to donate to charity (no more to spare other than what I already do)
    
• Artistic:
  
  • Learn guitar good enough to play on stage
    (not sure I want to do this anyway, really)
    
  • Get Some Poetry Published (or this)
    
  • Keep on Blogging! (ah, I will probably do this until it isn't cool anymore)
    

I still owe you a manifesto… Soon, real soon.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, Fishing

Fishing? Wait, what? I wish!

No, I’m stuck here at work waiting for the pre-inventory prep work to get done so I can head on home early today. I did promise “the blog” a new manifesto for 2008. When I have time, I will write it.

It’s basically, my wish list … resolutions … progress report. I’m going to make it now because in a few weeks I’ll be done with my ‘virtual junior’ year in school and I think it is a good time to assess my progress and project my goals. You may refer to my old “5-Year Plan” for reference. Looking back on it, I must have been on some good meds. I think it is time for a reality check.

My Old Nonsense

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. “

Ralph Waldo Emerson,
(attributed)

US essayist & poet
(1803 - 1882)

I just stole this quote from a friend’s website who in turn, stole it from Emerson (referenced properly of course.) Wouldn’t that be nice though, going through life one day at a time? I would kill to have that kind of Pooh-Bear mind-set. I guess I could try to forget each day, learn the lessons and move on. But I think it’s the worrying about the future that brings up the cob-webs of the past. Heck, I don’t even want to be aware of being in the moment sometimes. It’s so distracting, from … well … stuff.

Catching Up

I am a bad bad blogger. I've been neglecting my site just because I didn't have anything 'interesting' to talk about. I'm saying this as if that has ever stopped me before, as if that has ever stopped anybody claiming to 'blog'. I figure I'll just list a bunch of random things to catch up on what's been going on for the benefit of my three readers.

(in no particular chronological or preferential order)

1. I got 97.3% on my last course: Human Factors in Technology. It was not my favorite course so far.
   
2. My wife, step daughter and step son-in-law to be are in a local production of Gypsy. I haven't seen my wife but for about 3 hours a day for the last couple weeks. I won't see much of her for the next 4 weeks. Tomorrow is opening night.
   
3. I read that recent article about how being a little overweight isn't all that bad. Unfortunately I'm not overweight by the BMI scale. Apparently I'm obese. I currently weigh 222, which admittedly is a little heavy for me. But for me to be "overweight" I have to be 195 lbs. I haven't weighed that much in years. So I'm a little bummed about that. My ideal "feelin' happy" weight is 200. I feel best at that … of course I probably will feel REALLY good at 195 or less.
   
4. Work is well … unsatisfying, but manageable. I don't hate it as such. But I can do much better. I look every day for new career opportunities.
   
5. Ain't that presidential race something?
   
6. I think I need a new social security card:
   
7. I'm dog sitting off and on for the next 4 weeks (see #2).
   
8. I like 100 proof peppermint schnapps.

My Swiss Friend

Day 318: Swiss Friend
Originally uploaded by jugbo.

We all look for anchors, for a continuum in our lives. It's the symbols of survival that I look for in my past and present, that I want to follow into the future. It was said in a book I read recently that humans are lousy at predicting future feelings because they are so terrible at remembering in any meaningful accuracy, our emotional past. If only we could carry a time capsule with us as we move through time.

Acme Co. Career Advice

I sat down and a talk with my boss today.

Have you ever wonder what the coyote would have done with the roadrunner if he ever caught him? Was he going to eat him? Was it just the pursuit he was after, the thrill of the chase? Perhaps he's just that bored, what else do you do in the desert? I imagine some day he will just wake up and say, "Why? I'm obviously not very good at this game". "Perhaps I should move on, chase something slower, or become a vegetarian".

I told the boss I was done chasing the roadrunner. I'm not very good at it and if he has something easier to catch, or perhaps some carrots to eat I would greatly appreciate not having to chase that bird anymore.

He was unaware of any other prey to chase. And he already had gardeners.

We're waiting until next week before he decides to invite me to leave the desert.

Beep beep ….

The Richest Lie

Don't strain. Don't force anything or make grand, exaggerated efforts. Meditation is not aggressive. There is no place or need for violent striving. Just let your effort be relaxed and steady.
-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

I have learned of late, that if you just let the world happen instead of trying to wrestle it to the ground, good things happen. That silence is a cherished jewel, but words from the truth out shines the richest lie.

It is never too late . . .

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

- George Eliot (1819-1880) English Novelist


Or is it?

Well I guess the better question would be, it’s never too late to be what you might have been, but how about what you wanted to be?

Ah … there’s the rub.

I’ve wanted to be many things when I hit the proverbial “grown up”, but do we really do what we dream of doing with our lives, or just “close enough”? I’ve known some people that knew what they’ve wanted all their lives and got it. A friend of mine wanted to be a fireman since age 0 and he’s a fireman now. I also have known people that wanted to be someone and just have given up.

I wanted to be a fighter pilot when I was a kid. I sell gloves now. Badly.

I think I’ve murdered my own dreams.

I am losing my mind. That is what happening to me lately

Last night was a pinnacle of my awareness of my diminishing mental youth. I think (if my brain can do that effectively anymore) that I’m on the downhill slide of irretrievable dementia, starting with my feet.

We headed out last night to see a play that my stepfather was in; we were all excited because we were taking my 6-year-old daughter. It was going to be a simple and fun musical romp the entire family could enjoy. We got dressed up in clean and casual attire, hopped in the van and backed out of the garage and headed west to the theatre, about 20 to 30 minutes away.
As we got out of the van at the theatre and started heading down the path from the parking lot I felt strange in my stride. I looked down and noticed I had two different shoes on. Mismatched! One running shoe and one leather casual! Horror! On some days I would just laugh it off and continue on, but not this night for some reason. My wife tried to encourage me to stay and that no one would notice. I did not believe her. I just knew this was too wrong to deal with that day. I had to go home and get the correct footwear on my feet; matching set this time.

I ran away in a panic and got in the van and scrambled home, cursing myself all the way. Then I was wondering what other things I had forgotten, mismatched, misidentified, mistaken. Panic swiftly moved to depression, deep and irrational. How I made it home without purposely driving into the river was beyond me.

I returned, correct shoes, white pill taken, and drained. The realization now, for I know I’ve done absent minded things like this in past, but now. All of a sudden I was panicking over losing my mind. The thin grip I have around my sanity was slipping. OR … I was getting older, thus mortal. Sigh….. I know.

I need to take more Ginkgo Biloba. Exercise. Meditate. Sudoku. Something.

the blood test results are back . . .

health,cholesterol,life

Last friday I had a physical. Something I haven't done since I had gotten out of the army. I'm healthy for the most part. But today the tests on my bodily fluids came back. Apparently I have really high bad cholesterol and very low good cholesterol. I'm toast. In fact I can't have toast. I need to call the doctor back, but I know what he's going to say. "Get exercise, eat right". Blah. Doctor's think they know everything. Ok, maybe they do.

So no more yummy food. I told my wife, so she and my daughter ran off to make cookies. How cruel. Wait... does beer have cholesterol?

Beer Nutrition

According to About.com :

" studies have shown that beer helps to reduce triglycerides and LDL (LDL is the bad sort of cholesterol)"

Woot!

Butt-Wipe Go'Round

Why? I understand, busy bathroom, one might need the .38 special revolver toilet tissue dispenser. But, these things NEVER work correctly. It just takes one of those cardboard tubes to be crushed slightly and the roll will refuse to roll, breaking off those 4x4 inch squares. After repeating that 100 times, you may have enough to take care of business, but I doubt it. Fortunately somebody leaves the key in, and I just open the stupid thing and beehive some wipe around my fist. Then, and only then do I feel comfortable that I have enough of that half-ply paper collected to clean the back end area.

Aloha Don

Don Ho 1930-2007

Tiny bubbles in the wine,
Make me happy, make me feel fine,
Tiny bubbles make me warm all over
With a feeling that I'm gonna Love you 'til the end of time.

So here's to the golden moon,
And here's to the silver sea,
But most of all a toast to you and me


Tiny bubbles in the wine,
Make me happy, make me feel fine,
Tiny bubbles make me warm all over
With a feeling that I'm gonna Love you 'til the end of time.

So here's to the ginger lei
I give to you today
And here's a kiss that will not fade away.

Tiny bubbles in the wine,
Make me happy, make me feel fine,
Tiny bubbles make me warm all over
With a feeling that I'm gonna Love you 'til the end of time.

Attention is living

Attention is living; inattention is dying.
The attentive never stop; the inattentive are dead already.

-Dhammapada 21, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

So it goes

When the last living thing

has died on account of us,

how poetical it would be

if Earth could say,

in a voice floating up

perhaps

from the floor

of the Grand Canyon,

"It is done."

People did not like it here.

- Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007


... enjoy oblivion. You deserve the reward.

Follow your nose, it always knows.

Shaving Too Close
This morning at 5:30 am I was shaving and nicked the tip of my nose with my razor. I rarely cut myself shaving, but with these new ‘safety’ razors with half a dozen blades on them it’s a wonder people don’t butcher themselves more often.

Smelly Neighborhood
I discovered, much to my dismay that if the wind blows ever so elegantly through the neighborhood I can catch the ghastly perfume of both the two black labs’ potty area next door and the sewer treatment plant down the road. The facility which I have just discovered is in close proximity of our home.

Deviated Nose Holes
I think most people have noticed my nose is a bit crooked, kind of in an east-to-west kind of fashion. (Just go look through my flickr pictures) I think it is what they call in the medical circles as a Deviated Septum. Oh lucky me.

Nose Noise
Also I have learned as recently as the swift kick in the middle of last night that I snore when I sleep on my back. I think it is due to the previous point above, but I’m not an expert on those kinds of topics. Maybe it's because I'm getting fat, or I'm trying to breath the stench that is this side of town.

Back to School

I've talked it over with the wife, weighed the pros and cons and came to the decision that I need to finish my degree while I still have youngish brain cells.

There was money issues to think of, but I was more worried about time. Will I have enough time to share with my new family, my children?
Can I afford it in many ways?
The time is right, I have to do it now.

I picked University of Phoenix, I can finish my degree all online. And where I need help my wife, being an alumni can guide me.

Last week, during a slow point at work (probably against policy) I took an online career assessment and discovered that I was probably NOT working to my greatest potential or interest. Technology & Visual Arts were some of the categories I seem to lean toward. I found the perfect program for myself at UofP: Bachelor of Science in Information Technology Multimedia & Visual Communication. Sounds impressive huh?

we'll see - wish me luck